I remember taking a pregnacy test one night and seeing it come up with a + sign. I could barely stand myself. I smiled and then went on my computer to double check that it meant what I thought and hoped it meant. Once I found out that it was indeed showing positive. I was jumping up and down in my computer area near my husband Stephen and had the biggest smile on my face. He looked at me and I was like we are going to have a baby! At that moment the feelings that were going through my mind were excitement, feeling anxious, nervous to be sure the test was right and relief after wanting to having a baby of my own for so long. While I was getting all excited my husband recorded me jumping up and down and just shouting "We are going to have a baby, we are going to have a baby." After that I decided to take a pic and send it to my sister. She, then called me and was very excited with me. The following morning I took another test just to see if it would come up the same and yes, it did. I went to work excited and told my coworkers there. They were happy for me. I called my dr to let them know so I could have a blood test done to be sure. That afternoon I went to the dr. office to have my blood drawn, and later they called to let me know that I was indeed preganant and I could be anywhere from 6-12 weeks. At that moment I had so much going through my mind like wow, I could be 3 months along and I am in the safe zone pretty much. After finding out and all my dr office wanted me to come in for an ultra sound to make sure everything was going ok,so I made an appointment and went in to have one done the next day. Wow, I never had to have such a full bladder. Boy, was it hard to hold it and wait to be called in to the room. lol! Finally they called me in for my turn and started the process. I got to see my baby's heart beat and it was the most wonderful thing ever. It gave me such a good feeling because I had a little one growing inside of me that would someday come out to see the world and bond with daddy and mommy! After we were finished they gave me a photo of the ultra sound. A few days after that they called and wanted to set up a follow up ultra sound in about a week or around that and did not say why. So, I set one up for about a week and a half after that. In the meantime I am enjoying my pregnacy and planning out what we are going to do before the baby comes. That week I decide to send some flowers to my parents to surprise them of carrying another grand baby of theirs. Then that weekend we visit with my husband's parents in MN to tell them of our good news. We got a couple balloons and a congrats on being a grandparent card. His mom could barely stand it. She had the biggest smile on her face because not only was she going to have a grand child from each of her daughters' but one from us as well. The following week I received a reminder in the mail about my ultrasound appointment and at the bottom for reason of a such soon second ultra sound it said "low fetal heart rate." I tried thinking positive and know that God was going to take care of things for us. When it was time to go in for my second ultra sound I met my husband there at the hospital and we went into the room together like the first time. While the person was doing the procedure I was like is "every thing ok", "is the heart beat ok?" They said the radiologist would have to look at it and they couldn't tell me anything. I was like ok, that doesn't sound good because when I went in the first time they were showing me the heart beat and all. We sat and sat waiting for the radiologist to come in the room to talk to us. I had a feeling in me that something was not right. When the dr came in he sat down and just by the look on his face I knew it wasn't good. He sat down and said that the baby wasn't viable. He said the heart rate was really low the first time and some do get it back up but it just wasn't the case for the little one developing in me. I was in shock and extreme pain! I don't think I have ever experienced something so dramatic before. I felt like I let everyone down. I was sad because we had just shared good news with my parents and Stephen's and then we had to turn around and tell the the sad news. It was the hardest thing ever. I had a hard time going in for a followup after everything happened and seeing other pregnant women in the office near me. I just teared up a lot and it was hard to handle. I now have a garden in memory of the little one that we named "Hope". The reason why we used that name is because his parents came to stay with us a few weekends later because I was having a rough time and wanted to have her around. She showed me the verse Jeremiah 29:11 in the bible and told me that God does have a plan for us and hope and did not want to see us go through that. I heard that verse two different times after she showed it to me so we decided to name the baby Hope! We love you Hope and can't wait to meet you someday in Heaven! People keep helping me realize that you didn't experience any pain while being here on earth and now you are forever happy.
